Hello again from Gary, and “welcome” (pun on title intended but you truly are welcomed).

Right now you’re probably thinking “how can he write a blog post about “you’re welcome”. Well read on and I’ll describe how I had the good fortune to learn something of great importance very early in my relationship with Alla.

When we first met on the Internet, I could tell that Alla’s command of English was o.k. but not great. But as we wrote back and forth for a few weeks I began to notice improvement. Little did I know that for her to write to me was an exercise of sheer will and determination. I later learned that she would first write her letter in Russian, then use a translation software package to translate to English, and finally, with a paper dictionary, edit the letter for translation errors. Through this process and through using this same paper dictionary to help read my letters, her English improved rapidly. That is, her reading and writing of English improved rapidly. But she had no opportunity to hear or speak English. And then along comes Gary.

After these weeks of writing, I wanted to talk with her, to hear her voice and discuss in person what we had been writing about. So we made arrangements for me to call on such and such day at such and such time. I know I was nervous but could not even guess at how nervous she was. I, in my naivete still didn’t catch on after her daughter Katya, who lives here in California a few hours north of us, called me and offered to do a 3-way call for Alla and I with her acting as translator. I told her “no thanks, we’ll do fine”. Well I called Alla that first time and we talked - - briefly. Significantly, we communicated to the extent that I would call again on such and such day and time.

So I called again on the appointed day/time and then, yet again and again. We began to be more comfortable, in no small part because I had taken to reading my letters to her over the phone while she read them on the Internet. She thus got some experience with hearing the words that were written though often, without time to look in her dictionary, she was confused about meanings.

Dear reader, trust me, I’m trying to get to the meat of this. These are poignant memories and not easily glossed over to the point of most significance. O.K.? But I’ll give it a try.

Here’s what happened. On one call I gave Alla a compliment, something along the lines of “you’re beautiful”. Now if you say something like this to a woman, your ear is pre-tuned to hear in response, “thank you”. Instead, what I heard was “you’re welcome”. As an English speaking person, my immediate visceral reaction to her response was “how vain”  It was like she was saying “well of course, I know I’m beautiful, enjoy”. And yet I knew instinctively that I was not dealing with a vain person. So what should I make of this?

I learned that Alla had been studying English from a book published in Russia. In this book, as to be expected in any such language learning book, the concepts of social constructs like “thank you” and “you”re welcome” are taught in connection with each other. It’s thus easy for the student to erroneously use such connected constructs interchangeably. Simple, yes?

Well, yes and no. In the English language, “you’re welcome” is pretty straight forward in its usage. But in the Russian language “you’re welcome” is spoken differently depending on what the preceding “thank you” is in reference to. So here is a cultural dynamic that can be bridged only by patience and a genuine effort and intent to understand.

And that’s the key to what I learned early on in my relationship with Alla. Not that she will or will not understand everything in English, but that she, because of her cultural background, will assign different meanings to things than I will. Neither of us is right or wrong in our assignment of meanings, just different. To me, that’s what the spice of life is all about.

So find your Russian bride.  But first make sure that you’re open to her gift of differences. And be ready and sure to share your differences with her. Trust me, she needs and expects that.

Until next time, Vive’ la difference,

Gary.

Technorati: